TSA Unveils New “Soul Scanning” Technology

(inspired by Jim Groom’s open, online Digital Storytelling course)

As reported by the New York Times several days ago, last April, U.S. Representative Duncan Hunter succinctly re-defined U.S. citizenship (and just as blithely tossed the 14th Amendment out the window).  “We’re just saying,” Hunter told a Tea Party rally, “it takes more than walking across the border to become an American citizen. It’s what’s in our souls.”  That’s right folks: citizenship isn’t about legal forms, nor about where or how you were born.  Being a U.S. Citizen is really about the state of your soul!

Representative Hunter’s new definition of citizenship sparked a world-wide scramble to find a quick, efficient way to ascertain the status of U.S. residents.  Just yesterday, Volksgemeinschaft Industries, LLC, unveiled it’s new “soul scanning” technology.  Company spokesman, William D. Pelley, told reporters gathered at a news conference: “We leave behind the era of the auto de fe and the strappado.  We have entered a new era of technology.  Instant software upgrades provided by Volksgemeinschaft allow current imaging machines to scan souls at every airport security gate.”  Pounding the lectern, Pelley underscored that the “SoulScanner upgrade patch will prevent any repetition of the unfortunate ‘Monsters on Maple Street’ incident!”

Pelley then provided examples of recent SoulScanner results, included below.

American citizen (possibly resident of Arizona)

American citizen (SoulScanner technician currently under investigation for unsanctioned imaging practices)

Non-American citizen

Citizen of unknown, but potentially threatening origin

Pelley closed the press conference by noting that  “”Representative Hunter has not yet made an appointment to be imaged by SoulScanner.  We look forward to his future cooperation!”


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